Hannah James
15 Sept 2025
Introduction
All of us here at ACTS FAST are keen to give you the best support we possibly can whilst you and your children navigate this extremely difficult period in your lives. It is likely that you’re feeling a whole range of emotions which might swing from one extreme to the other. This is completely normal, and we don’t underestimate the impact on you as the parent holding onto all of your own emotions as well as your children’s.
Our aim in this guide isn’t to give you a black and white answer as to how you should talk to your children about this, more a framework of useful tips and helpful ways to communicate with your child within the context of your family and what feels right and natural for you.
Parenting is tough and so much of it is about working on our own emotional regulation, so that we can meet our child’s distress with our strength and stability. Remember, we can’t control how our children behave and what they feel, but we can try and control how we want to show up for them in those difficult moments.
No two children are the same
Just like us adults, children have unique personalities and will respond to upsetting events differently. Some children might ask lots of questions and want more details, whereas others may ask for information little and often, some children not at all. Some children show up with big feelings and behaviours whilst some will keep things to themselves.
There is no right or wrong way a child “should” or “shouldn’t” respond and it is worth remembering that the spectrum of behaviour for all children is huge and sometimes your child will display behaviours which are challenging and difficult which are unrelated to what has happened.
We can’t always know or attribute a definite cause for our children’s behaviour, but what we can do is meet them where they are and in turn reduce the pressure of “knowing” whether what they are going through is a normal developmental stage or related to what is happening.
Remember, you know your child best.
Managing difficult feelings
Your job isn't to fix things or take your child's emotions away. What you can do is validate and normalise their feelings and help them move through them.
N.B We have used the term “dad” when giving examples below, we do this as in our experience with the families we have supported, the arrests/removal of the parent from the home has been the male/father figure.
This might sound like:
You miss Daddy and have lots of feelings about him not being here. I understand, and I am here for you when you need me and if you want to talk. How can we be kind to ourselves and each other today?
It’s ok to feel sad, upset or angry, that is normal and ok. I am here to help you feel safe.
It’s really hard not to know isn't it... when I feel sad/worried/angry, doing X, Y or Z… can help me cope with my feelings.
You can talk to me about any questions or worries you might have. I might not always have the answer for you, and I will always be honest with you about that.
You might feel that you want to talk to someone else about what is happening as well. That’s ok, could we think about who that might be?
I’m really proud of you for talking to me about how you feel, thank you.
You will know what language feels most natural and appropriate for you and your child.
Even young children can worry about their parents and if they’re ok. You could share with your child that you are having some support with your feelings as well. This is a great way of modelling and showing your child the importance of reaching out for support when we need it.
Keep communication open and little and often. Create opportunities for conversations and check in but remember the importance of talking about other things as well as making time to nurture the relationship you have with your child.
Remember, creating even just ten minutes of fun, silliness, quiet time, play or simply watching tv together will create connection with your child and can help both of you retain some feeling of normality when in an uncertain time.
For some children, situations where they are not sat directly in front of you can feel more casual and comfortable when speaking about difficult topics. Scenarios like this might include, being in the car, them being in the bath and playing, colouring or doing an activity together like playing cards, playing a board game, building or Lego where you are alongside them, rather than having direct eye contact.
Our Brain
The right side of our brain is where we experience emotions and the inner world of our feelings.
The left side of our brain is more analytical and concerned with logic and rational thought processes.
Children are mostly right brain dominant until about 7 years of age and even beyond that age, when children experience intense emotions and upset, they are dominated by the right side of their brain in that moment.
What we can do as parents in these moments, is to use the right side of our own brains to meet them where they're at by connecting emotionally, not by trying to use logic and reason to fix or come up with solutions, but by validating and sitting with them helping them to know that their emotions are ok and safe with us.
Tricky bedtimes
Often bedtimes can be a time where difficult feelings present themselves without the distractions of the day to help quieten them down. This is very normal, and we understand the importance of finding a balance between acknowledging and validating your child’s feelings whilst also trying to ensure you both are getting an adequate amount of rest and sleep.
This might sound like:
I understand that when the day slows down, that’s when our thoughts can become quite loud, that’s normal and if there are things you would like to talk about, we can set a timer for ten minutes. When that goes off, we are going to read a story/do quiet reading/ listen to calming music etc.
Could we write down or draw some of the thoughts or worries you have before bed and come back to them tomorrow?
Think about some of the grounding, calming or soothing tools you may have or use for yourself. Perhaps there are some you can share with your child around bedtimes, particularly nice smells, or comforting and tactile fabrics or textures.
How do I explain to my child what is happening, particularly when devices are still in the process of being checked.
We know that for some families there is a long period of time where devices are being checked, and we don’t have the full picture. Each family situation is different and will have different conditions regarding what contact children are now able to have with their parent / step parent / carer. When starting off this conversation, you may find it useful to explore with your child what their current understanding is about why this person isn’t at home at the moment.
As parents you will feel a natural urge to protect your child from any potentially upsetting information about their other parent. However, sometimes when children have bits of information and not a full picture, they may form their own ideas or conclusions about what is happening. Often children can “sense” something is wrong and may come to conclusions which may be worse or scarier than what is actually happening.
Therefore, giving them an age-appropriate narrative of what is happening can help, particularly if your children were present when the knock took place and witnessed the police involvement.
This might sound like:
The police think there are some things on Dad’s computer/device that shouldn’t be there and now the police are checking everything to understand what is happening. Whilst that is going on, one of the rules is that Dad isn’t able to come back to the house/take you out on his own/stay overnight
Daddy has broken a rule, and he is currently working with the right people to help him with that behaviour
There are some images online which are harmful and illegal. Dad has downloaded some of these and is working with the right people to understand and change that behaviour.
I understand that is probably really hard to hear and whatever you are feeling about that is ok; angry, sad, embarrassed etc. It is important to know that this is something Dad has done and has nothing to do with you or your relationship with Dad.
Where there may have been a contact offence; My job is to keep you safe and right now that means not having any contact with Dad whilst he gets support to help him behave and think in a safer way.
Think about when to have these conversations with your child. Perhaps it could be helpful to have someone you and your child trust there to support you both.
Think about your own wellbeing and emotional regulation, although there may not be what feels like the “right time” to talk to your child about what is happening, considering how emotionally regulated you and your child are in that moment will be helpful.
It may be a good idea to speak to your child’s school to inform them you will be having these conversations with your child. The school should be able to help you think about what support in school looks like for your child and which adults they can go to if they need too.
We understand that all familial situations are different and if your child has other big life stressors going on such as exams or starting a new school for example, you may decide that you do not want to share more detailed information with your child, it is a very personal decision which will vary from family to family.
Looking after yourself
We recognise and understand that everything we have discussed in this guide requires you to be coming from a place of your own regulation at a time where you are probably feeling understandably destabilised and vulnerable.
Remember to look after yourself and utilise the support you have around you, making your own wellbeing a priority and practicing grounding and intentional emotional regulation where you can. As parents we cannot be perfect and sometimes we might not handle things in the way we would want to but know that simply being a safe person for your child and providing them with your love and acceptance is hugely enough.