Hannah James and Georgia Maxwell
22 Sept 2025
Using the knowledge we have gained from working with many parents in the same position you find yourself in, we wanted to create a guide that can hopefully offer some support, reassurance and guidance. ACTS FAST was formed in recognition of the trauma parents and carers experience after learning their child has suffered sexual harm. Sometimes referred to as secondary victims of child sexual abuse.
We hope this guide offers some practical information as well as reassurance and understanding around what you are feeling and what your child is feeling.
Please take your time when reading through this, there’s no need to read it all at once. There is a lot of information, which could feel overwhelming. Your wellbeing is paramount for you and your family, it’s important to prioritise it, even if it doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, it really is.
Your child
As parents and carers, we have a natural in-built drive to fix and protect. One of the hardest things about supporting your child through trauma is not being able to fix, take away their painful feelings or have control over the outcome if things are reported to the police, and do or don’t progress through the Criminal Justice System.
In our experience many parents underestimate simply being alongside their child, and the power of listening and validating their feelings without having to have all of the answers. Often the drive to fix comes from our own needs and wants rather than our child necessarily looking for or expecting us to fix things for them.
Listening, talking and managing difficult feelings
Your job isn't to fix things or take your child's emotions away. What you can do is validate and normalise their feelings and help them move through them.
Symptoms of trauma can vary and will be different for every child, there can be both physical symptoms and emotional symptoms including; tummy aches, nightmares, anxiety, mood swings, fear or a sense of danger even in safe situations and regressive behaviours such as bed-wetting, thumb sucking and wanting to be near you the whole time (separation anxiety).
It’s important to remember that these symptoms are normal responses to abnormal experiences. Every child will respond differently, and some responses can occur, days, months or years after the event. There is no right or wrong way a child “should” or “shouldn’t” respond and it is important to remember that the spectrum of behaviour for all children is huge particularly as they grow both physically and emotionally, and sometimes your child will display behaviours which are challenging and difficult which are unrelated to the harm which was caused to them and what you are experiencing. This can feel confusing and upsetting for parents not to know if the symptoms are related to what happened or not and therefore keeping loving, stable, and realistic boundaries are particularly important.
Some children might want to talk about what has happened, whereas others may give you bits of information little and often and some children may not want to talk about what has happened at all. Some children show up with big feelings and behaviours whilst some will keep things to themselves.
Keep communication open and little and often. Create opportunities for conversations and check in but remember the importance of talking about other things as well as making time to nurture the relationship you have with your child.
We acknowledge the urge as a parent to want to give your child answers during an uncertain time and the waiting for the next part of the journey can be difficult particularly if you are working with the police. It is ok to not have these answers and to be honest with your child about this, along with not making promises which we can’t keep, such as what might happen to the person who harmed them.
It may be that the police have asked you to not ask any “leading questions” or not talk about what has happened. We acknowledge this is a very difficult position to be in day to day and you won’t want to shut your child down if they start to open up. What we would say is, allow your child to say what they need to, thank them for speaking to you and let them know that their feelings are valid and safe with you and you love them no matter what.
It is very normal for children to unleash their most difficult behaviours and feelings on the person/s they feel safest with. This can feel hurtful and rejecting and looking after your own needs and utilising the support you have around you will help you manage your own feelings.
Additionally, some parents wonder why their child may not have initially told them about the abuse and why they may prefer to talk to others about what has happened. Children can often worry about their parent’s feelings and feel protective towards them, don’t take this personally and this is not a reflection of the quality of the relationship you have with your child.
Something which may also feel very hard as a parent, is that your child may have conflicting feelings about the person who harmed them. If this was caused by a person known to your child, it is possible that they may miss this person or want to continue to see them. Whilst as adults we recognise that children shouldn’t have contact with an adult who has harmed them, these feelings are normal. What we can do is validate our child’s feelings about this person without minimising the harm that was caused.
This might sound like:
I understand that you miss _____ and all of your feelings are ok and normal. But, ____ hurt you and my job is to keep you safe and that means not having any contact with _____ .
Dissociation
Sometimes when children have experienced something frightening and overwhelming, they may dissociate. This is a term used to describe a coping mechanism which creates a disconnect between thoughts, feelings and behaviours. It’s almost as if our bodies remain in the room but our mind goes elsewhere or the outside world almost feels unreal, that we are in a computer game or there’s been a slight shift in reality. It is the brains way of protecting us from traumatic events so that we are not overwhelmed.
What this can look like in children:
· Remembering a traumatic event but having no emotion attached to it
· Appearing spaced/zoned out or ‘daydreaming’ and physically slowing down, seeming unsure of themselves, can mean they are unable to follow instructions or do simple tasks,
· Gaps in memory for past or recent events
This can feel scary as a parent but it’s important to remember that your child’s brain is trying to protect them through using dissociation.
If you think that your child is experiencing dissociation it is important to speak to a professional who can try and find the right support for your child.
Some tips for supporting your child through dissociation:
· Use eye contact and a calm slow voice reminding them where they are in this moment
· Use their name and ask some simple grounding questions to engage their ‘thinking’ brain
· Use grounding techniques which engage their senses such as smell, tactile objects, music and nice tastes –for example ask them what they can see in the room, offer them something strong tasting such as a mint, or something nice to smell.
School
Your child’s school should be able to help you think about what support in school looks like for your child and which adults they can go to if they need to.
For some children school can be a positive ‘escape’ and for other children it can feel like another pressure on them when they are struggling emotionally. Many of the parents we have supported feel that education is important, but their child’s mental health is equally as important.
Don’t be shy to challenge your child’s school and ask for the support that your child deserves.
Each school will be different in their approach and understanding, and you are within your rights to ask the school what their training and experience is around supporting a child who has experienced trauma.
Chat to your child’s school to see if they are able to offer:
· A leave the room card – which will allow your child to excuse themselves without having to ask and explain themselves. Discuss with your child if they would feel confident enough to use this.
· Is there a safe space your child can go to if they need to and is there a familiar and safe adult your child has a good relationship with who they can check in with regularly
· Some schools will consider a reduced timetable if attending school becomes too overwhelming and distressing
· Each school should have their own pastoral or therapeutic support so speak to them about what that could look like for your child
Some practical tips
· Often bedtimes can be a time where difficult feelings present themselves without the distractions of the day to help quieten them down. If your child wants to suddenly talk at bedtime, you can set a timer to allow them to talk and when this timer goes off, you will be moving onto a soothing, relaxing activity. You could also invite them to write or draw some of their feelings down in a notebook before bed
· Help your child to express their feelings in different ways through physical movement; swinging, jumping, running being noisy, or creative outlets such as painting, drawing and play doh.
· For some children, situations where they are not sat directly in front of you can feel more casual and comfortable when speaking about difficult topics. Scenarios like this might include, being in the car, them being in the bath and playing, colouring or doing an activity together like building or Lego where you are alongside them, rather than having direct eye contact
· Work together to build up a ‘tool box’ of calming and soothing activities. Allow your child to choose and take the lead here, can they choose some fidget toys, nice smells or special pens for drawing or special books or objects
· Within the context of consistent boundaries, allow your child to have choice and control (within reason) over their environment
· Create as many opportunities as is realistic for your family to have time to play, have fun, quiet time, or simply watch tv together. This will create connection with your child and can help both of you retain some feeling of normality when in an uncertain time.
Some Grounding exercises you can try with your child or alone:
Five Senses: Find a quiet, comfortable spot where you can sit, stand, or lie down. Start by taking a few deep breaths, centring your attention on your breathing. Then, shift your focus to your senses: notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This simple sensory awareness helps bring you into the present moment and calm your mind.
Breathing Exercise: Begin by counting 1 on the inhale through the nose, 2 on the exhale through the mouth, 3 on the inhale, 4 on the exhale, and so on. Continue this pattern, gradually counting up as you alternate between slow inhales and exhales. Extending your exhales longer than your inhales helps slow your heart rate and calm your thoughts.
For some breathing and relaxation exercises for children and young people, follow these links:
https://www.youtube.com/@TheMindfulnessTeacher
https://www.childline.org.uk/toolbox/calm-zone/
You
Navigating how you’re feeling after finding out about your child’s abuse can feel impossible. It’s important to remember whatever you are thinking and feeling is normal and valid. You might find you have contradicting emotions or swing from one extreme to the other. It is normal to feel: anxiety, depression, anger, rage, fear, shame, guilt, loss, confused. What you feel is a normal response to an abnormal event.
Guilt
Some parents find they feel guilty for what has happened to their child. They question their ability to protect or why their child did not tell them about the abuse. You might find yourself going over the past, looking for any possible signs of abuse. When these questions and thoughts arise, it is important to remind yourself, that all the guilt belongs solely to the perpetrator. You did everything you could with the knowledge that you had at the time; it was not in your awareness.
Talking to someone you trust
It can feel isolating to be facing this alone, you deserve support as well. It’s important to carefully consider who this might be, it could be a family member, close friend or professional. Before telling someone be mindful once they know they can’t ‘unknow’. It might be a good idea, if it feels appropriate, to discuss with your child before you do, as this is also their story to tell.
Your Wellbeing
During this time, it is so important to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. It can feel selfish to take your needs into consideration, but it is necessary for your child, you and your family to heal. ACTS FAST exists, because of just how crucial support for a parent is to a child’s recovery. Looking after you is indirectly supporting your child.
Things to do for your own wellbeing:
Reach out to a trusted friend or family member
Seek out support services such as ACTS FAST (links below)
Spend time outside in nature and fresh air
Yoga/mediation
Dedicating regular time to something you enjoy
Focus on creating a routine for sleep
Eating and drinking water regularly
Limit screen time/news/social media
Exercise – make time to move your body if you can. This can be as simple as a walk around the block.
Watch a film/TV show that brings you comfort
These things will not fix, but they will make it easier to function day-to-day. We recognise this can feel like an emotional rollercoaster and things can feel out of control. Try and take it one day at a time.
Support
You
If you and your child (under 18) are living in the South West of England we can support, you. Refer to ACTS FAST: https://www.actsfast.org.uk/general-4
If you are living outside of the South West or your child is over 18 you can use this page to find other support: https://www.actsfast.org.uk/news-1
If you want to talk to someone now: Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Line https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/
Your child
You can use The Survivors Trust tool to find support in your area: https://thesurvivorstrust.org/support-in-your-area/
If you are struggling to find local support for your child you can ask their school, social worker or your GP for help. You can also email support@actsfast.org.uk and we will signpost you to support where we can.