Therapeutic Parenting - What is it?

Therapeutic parenting and gentle parenting are concepts we seem to be inundated with on platforms such as Facebook, Instagram and Tik Tok, giving us helpful scripts, advising us on what to say (and what not to say) to our children, wondering if we’re getting it right.

But what do we really mean when we talk about therapeutic parenting?

Are we really raising a generation of children with no respect for parents, allowing them to run riot?  Not quite.  The latter describes more of a permissive parenting style which often means low expectation or rules, little boundaries and more of a friend style rather than a sturdy parental figure.

When we talk about therapeutic parenting we are describing a highly nurturing, structured approach (which absolutely does include boundaries!) focusing on emotional safety and regulation often geared towards children who have experienced trauma, attachment disruption and other adverse experiences.  In the absence of trauma, we might use terms such as gentle or responsive parenting, these approaches share many of the same principles: building secure relationships, responding with empathy, and supporting children to develop emotional regulation. 

Whatever terminology we choose to use, it is important to note that using an approach which is focused on connection, safety and stabilisation is beneficial for all children regardless of their experiences.

One of the core principles of therapeutic parenting is viewing behaviour as communication. Rather than asking, "What's wrong with this child?" we begin to wonder, "What might this child be trying to tell me?"

Think about a child coming home from school: they have held it together all day, perhaps their socks felt funny on their feet, perhaps they felt left out at playtime, perhaps they were scolded by a favourite teacher. Coming home to their safe person (you) is where it can all fall apart. 

What behaviour might we see?  Big feelings might show up, your child’s capacity for listening and following instructions may be at their limit, their impulse control (which is still developing) may fail and maybe they hit their sibling or throw their schoolbag across the room. 

As a parent who may feel at their maximum capacity level also, our reaction may be to chastise them, remind them of all of the ways their behaviour is unacceptable, we may even put them in ‘time out’, but what unintended message might we send when we do this? 

"Your big feelings are too much for me. I can't stay alongside you when you're struggling."

It would be naive to not acknowledge the pressure and difficulty being a parent brings, the battle between loving your child so much but at the same time feeling so exasperated by them in tough moments, your feelings are also valid.  But as adults we have something that our children don’t have…. a more sophisticated brain and the ability to co-regulate with our child. 

Think of our post school melt down example, Dan Siegal (co-author of The Whole Brain Child) might call these events ‘flipping your lid’.  Essentially our rational brain goes offline temporarily, and the emotional centre of our brain takes over.  Engaging in cognitive, logical conversations with our children in this moment about their behaviour is unlikely to help because our child simply can’t access those skills.

We might say, it looks like something is really hard for you right now, I’m going to make sure that everyone is safe, I am here for you to help you calm down.  That may involve removing an object that could be thrown or separating siblings if someone is at risk of being hurt. The boundaries remain firm, but they are delivered without shame. 

Connection before redirection.

When calm and emotional regulation has restored, it may be appropriate to have a restorative conversation about throwing and hitting others, reinforcing the boundary that this behaviour is never acceptable regardless of what our emotions are doing.

Emotional regulation is a skill that requires teaching and modelling, and we know that learning happens best when we create a supportive and safe environment, rather than a shaming and blaming one.

Think about a child learning to ride a bike with stabilisers. We wouldn't remove the stabilisers simply because we think they should be able to balance. If they don't yet have the skill, they'll simply fall. Emotional regulation is no different. Children borrow our regulation until they're able to develop their own.

Sound easy?  Of course it’s not always in the moment.  As the adult in the room, think about what you need to do in that moment, it might be pausing for a deep breath, counting to ten or leaving the room (if safe to do so) before you react.

Why is therapeutic parenting important within the context of trauma?

We know that children who have experienced trauma or adversity can have an overactivated ‘alarm system’ in their brain with the parts involved in emotional regulation becoming, underactive.  This can mean we sometimes see those challenging difficult behaviours on a more frequent, larger scale. 

Many children who have experienced trauma may have also suffered relational abuse, meaning they have been harmed within the context of a relationship with someone they may have depended on to feel safe.  That makes it even more important that the adults around them respond in ways that are calm, predictable and consistent, especially during difficult moments.  Again, this doesn’t mean that we don’t implement boundaries and rules, it means we implement these in an empathic way which facilitates our understanding of the context and experience the child is living.

As a parent one of the most valuable things, we can do is to think about our own regulation.  This doesn’t mean that we never feel angry or frustrated with our child, it means we continue to practice building in the space that allows us to recognise our feelings before making a mindful choice about how we want to react in those moments.

Remember, we won't always get it right—and that's okay. Repairing after difficult moments is just as important as responding well in them.

To end on a quote from Dr Bruce Perry:

"The more healthy relationships a child has, the more likely he will be to recover from trauma and thrive. Relationships are the agents of change, and the most powerful therapy is human love."